It may seem like a stupid question - Do you love your kid(s)? I assure you it is quite valid. I look around at others and am horrified by a simple problem that has escalated to epic levels that it seems like nobody seems to notice, or at least care about. A few generations ago the problem did not exist, at least not like it does now. It used to be 'normal' for a child to be born into a family with parents (married first usually), maybe siblings too. At some point, divorce became less of a concern and more of an expectation. So fewer people even bother getting married to start with but the end result is that most kids do NOT have both parents and/or their siblings living under the same roof until they leave home to start their own lives independently.
That in itself is a problem yes, but still not the massive epidemic of which I am talking about.. As a culture, we have changed our idea of what a family is. I'm not discouraging that at all. What I am disgusted by is the behavior of all of us! If we cannot be with the other parent for whatever the reason, there is absolutely NO good reason to destroy your OWN children to hurt your ex!!! I don't care how much of a dirt bag that person may be. Your kid is still made up of half of their DNA and every time you remind that child of negative things about that person- they hear you saying negative things about THEM also! You are kind of insulting yourself too when you think about it. At one time you chose that person.
What shocks me the most is that TV and movies encourage our bad behavior and further division of our families... Even the most wholesome show you find you still find characters badmouthing the ex/other parent in front of the children. My exes are far from my favorite people, especially the 2 I have kids with BUT, I don't want my kids to hate me for saying bad things about them. Besides, as they get older, they figure it out for themselves just fine. If the other parent breaks promises time and time again, they see and feel it! Used to be parents lied to the kids to make them think the absent parent was sending them birthday cards or messages to spare the child's feelings but now people think it is wiser to belittle and degrade the other parent and bring them into the loop of the messiness of child support or alimony.
Come on people, these are YOUR kids!!! Do you really want to see your child in pain and breeding hatred rather than respect? So you fell out of love with someone or maybe never even were in love- that was YOUR choice or mistake, not the child's! How do you think that kid is going to feel about YOU when they are old enough to realize YOU were the one that led them to the path of anger and hate? Do you really believe they are going to thank you for sparing them the relationship with their father (or mother)?
There are some people that maybe shouldn't be around their children but that is NOT the majority. Unless the child is being actually abused or neglected somehow, even the court system does not believe in separating families. When you have a child, it is their needs and well being that needs to be considered above petty feelings over a breakup.
My oldest daughter is a victim of this. Her father was devastated when I left him. It took him several years to even accept that we were over much less that I would not return to him. Initially everything was good. He paid his child support and visited her occasionally. He would usually come over unexpectedly and make plans for some special thing (trip to Disney or a water park or something like that) during his drop by but then he rarely followed through with whatever bigger plans he promised her. Regardless, when we had split up, we had discussed this matter specifically and agreed to not bring our daughter into anything going on between us. He lived up to that as long as he kept the candle going for me. Once he finally decided to hate me for not returning to him, all bets were off. His mother was never on board so she badmouthed me from day 1 of course but it's much worse coming from your actual parent. So, her dad began telling her things he should have been saying to his buddies, not his daughter. He did not even tell her truthful things, he went out of his way to teach his daughter her mother was a whore (sorry but that was literally what he preached to a 3 year old) because I moved on. In his mind, when I began dating anyone else other than him, I was just loose and morally corrupt. It never occurred to him that maybe he was hurting HIMSELF and HIS relationship with our daughter! He painted such an ugly picture of me all the while telling our daughter how much like me she is and how she is looking more like me every day and he cant even look at her...
Seriously??? It can't just be me to see how that might blow up in HIS face right? And it did... Now she is 21 and thriving. She had a very rough go of it for a long time because of his childish need to try to make himself feel better temporarily and of course his family that did not hold back since he set the example. When she left for college, she had been more frazzled than ever after her wrecked graduation party (wrecked because he couldn't be an adult for 3 hours to celebrate her achievement so she had to bounce around from several groups and parties and missed out on a lot she wanted and deserved). Now, she is pre-med working 2 jobs as well and she doesn't talk to any of the people who have nothing to say other than bashing others she cares about. I would be so torn up if I realized I spent all my energy on hating someone that I missed out on my child's life, which is what he did - not just the once with her either.
So you see, there is literally nothing beneficial that can happen from badmouthing your ex to or in front of your child. Nothing... Thankfully due to this epidemic we have created the law has been forced to make it illegal to trash the other parent or withhold the child from them. It should not have HAD to come to that because we should care about our own kids and ourselves enough to do the right thing. Now that is is a matter of legality, I truly hope that will force the change that is needed especially living in a world where children usually do not grow up with both parents together.
Please, for the sake of the generations soon to be running our world, please spread the word and encourage those around you to be smarter and better than we have been. It is for your own benefit in the end.
That in itself is a problem yes, but still not the massive epidemic of which I am talking about.. As a culture, we have changed our idea of what a family is. I'm not discouraging that at all. What I am disgusted by is the behavior of all of us! If we cannot be with the other parent for whatever the reason, there is absolutely NO good reason to destroy your OWN children to hurt your ex!!! I don't care how much of a dirt bag that person may be. Your kid is still made up of half of their DNA and every time you remind that child of negative things about that person- they hear you saying negative things about THEM also! You are kind of insulting yourself too when you think about it. At one time you chose that person.
What shocks me the most is that TV and movies encourage our bad behavior and further division of our families... Even the most wholesome show you find you still find characters badmouthing the ex/other parent in front of the children. My exes are far from my favorite people, especially the 2 I have kids with BUT, I don't want my kids to hate me for saying bad things about them. Besides, as they get older, they figure it out for themselves just fine. If the other parent breaks promises time and time again, they see and feel it! Used to be parents lied to the kids to make them think the absent parent was sending them birthday cards or messages to spare the child's feelings but now people think it is wiser to belittle and degrade the other parent and bring them into the loop of the messiness of child support or alimony.
Come on people, these are YOUR kids!!! Do you really want to see your child in pain and breeding hatred rather than respect? So you fell out of love with someone or maybe never even were in love- that was YOUR choice or mistake, not the child's! How do you think that kid is going to feel about YOU when they are old enough to realize YOU were the one that led them to the path of anger and hate? Do you really believe they are going to thank you for sparing them the relationship with their father (or mother)?
There are some people that maybe shouldn't be around their children but that is NOT the majority. Unless the child is being actually abused or neglected somehow, even the court system does not believe in separating families. When you have a child, it is their needs and well being that needs to be considered above petty feelings over a breakup.
My oldest daughter is a victim of this. Her father was devastated when I left him. It took him several years to even accept that we were over much less that I would not return to him. Initially everything was good. He paid his child support and visited her occasionally. He would usually come over unexpectedly and make plans for some special thing (trip to Disney or a water park or something like that) during his drop by but then he rarely followed through with whatever bigger plans he promised her. Regardless, when we had split up, we had discussed this matter specifically and agreed to not bring our daughter into anything going on between us. He lived up to that as long as he kept the candle going for me. Once he finally decided to hate me for not returning to him, all bets were off. His mother was never on board so she badmouthed me from day 1 of course but it's much worse coming from your actual parent. So, her dad began telling her things he should have been saying to his buddies, not his daughter. He did not even tell her truthful things, he went out of his way to teach his daughter her mother was a whore (sorry but that was literally what he preached to a 3 year old) because I moved on. In his mind, when I began dating anyone else other than him, I was just loose and morally corrupt. It never occurred to him that maybe he was hurting HIMSELF and HIS relationship with our daughter! He painted such an ugly picture of me all the while telling our daughter how much like me she is and how she is looking more like me every day and he cant even look at her...
Seriously??? It can't just be me to see how that might blow up in HIS face right? And it did... Now she is 21 and thriving. She had a very rough go of it for a long time because of his childish need to try to make himself feel better temporarily and of course his family that did not hold back since he set the example. When she left for college, she had been more frazzled than ever after her wrecked graduation party (wrecked because he couldn't be an adult for 3 hours to celebrate her achievement so she had to bounce around from several groups and parties and missed out on a lot she wanted and deserved). Now, she is pre-med working 2 jobs as well and she doesn't talk to any of the people who have nothing to say other than bashing others she cares about. I would be so torn up if I realized I spent all my energy on hating someone that I missed out on my child's life, which is what he did - not just the once with her either.
So you see, there is literally nothing beneficial that can happen from badmouthing your ex to or in front of your child. Nothing... Thankfully due to this epidemic we have created the law has been forced to make it illegal to trash the other parent or withhold the child from them. It should not have HAD to come to that because we should care about our own kids and ourselves enough to do the right thing. Now that is is a matter of legality, I truly hope that will force the change that is needed especially living in a world where children usually do not grow up with both parents together.
Please, for the sake of the generations soon to be running our world, please spread the word and encourage those around you to be smarter and better than we have been. It is for your own benefit in the end.
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